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Wake The Fuck Up: Dark Coffee Picks for Caffeine Fiends

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At this time of year, the days are at their shortest. It’s getting harder than ever to drag our corpses out from under our blankets, to face what little daylight there is, and we need more of a pick-me-up than ever. So whether you like your brew hot, iced, flavored, as black as your soul (and your wardrobe) or cream-and-sugared, we’ve got a delicious array of diabolical picks for damn fine coffee, as well as some spooky-yet-functional coffee-related accoutrements for you.

Beach Goth Coffee

Image via Swell Coffee Co.

This espresso blend touts notes of deep cocoa, molasses, and raspberry. Moody, sinful, complex… like you. Swell Coffee Co.//$15.30 – $17.00

Graveyard Shift Coffee

Image via Coffee Shop of Horrors

While a classic, this particular Mocha Java blend (and all of their other blends) comes housed in anything-but-basic packaging. Coffee Shop of Horrors//$9.29

Jingle Bones Coffee

Image via Bones Coffee Company

If you prefer a roast with a bit of flavor, this medium-roast blend boasts notes of “caramel, smooth vanilla, and coconut.” And could that illustration be more adorable? Ho Ho NO. Bones Coffee Company//$13.99

Farm Blend Coffee

Image via Co-Optiva

This small-scale, USDA-certified organic, Fair Trade-certified full-bodied blend has notes of molasses and chocolate. Co-Optiva//$12.95

Demon Roast Coffee

Image via Prime Roast Coffee Company

These “ultra dark” Fair Trade grounds are the perfect blend for casting a salt circle and banishing demons… or summoning some of your own. Prime Roast Coffee Company//$14

Witches’ Brew Coffee

Image via Mountain Witch Tea Company

If flavored brews set your broomstick stirring, the Witches’ Brew blends should be just right for you, with several delectable flavors to choose from. Witches’ Brew Coffee//$10

Death Wish Coffee

Image via Death Wish Coffee

Touted as “the world’s strongest coffee,” this has eye-popping — even potentially dangerous — levels of caffeine, averaging at 205mg/100ml.  If you like to take a walk on the wild side, this one is definitely for you. Death Wish Coffee//$15.99 – $19.99

Satan’s Coffee Mug

Image via Creature Craft Co.

“War on Christmas?” Those boring red cups ain’t got nothing on this. Creature Craft//$16.99

Resting Witch Face Cold Brew Cup

Image via Killstar

For those days when you can’t bear speaking to a soul, let your cup do the talking for you. Fill this travel cup with iced coffee, cold brew, or hell, even spiked egg nog. Killstar//$15.00

Baby Baphomet Mug

Image via The Satanic Temple

We’ve talked about TST’s range of mugs once before, but we couldn’t resist this sweet little Baphy. Designed for The Satanic Temple by The Black Veil Studio, this beautifully hand-thrown, hand-glazed mug also benefits a good cause — all proceeds support ongoing Satanic Temple campaigns. The Satanic Temple//$25.00

Skull Coffee Canister

Image via WWCeramicsUK

Now that we’ve got a bunch of coffee, how would we store it? This ceramic canister is creepy, cool, and functional. WWCeramicsUK//$24.14

Stainless Steel Skull Sugar Spoons

Image via Amazon

It’s the little luxuries that can make a morning tolerable. This set of six stainless steel spoons are super spoopy. Amazon//$12.99

Skull Sugar Cubes

coffee sugar skull cubes

Image via Dembones

Sweeten up your cup with these diminutive sugar skulls. Each sugar cube is molded in small batches and hand-packed with love. Dembones//$3.00-$16.00

Header images from Coffee Shop of Horrors, Swell Coffee Co., and Bones Coffee Company.

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About The Author

Constant Reader. Horror fan. Podcast enthusiast. DIY everything. Canadian transplant. Kitchenwitch, wortcunner, and perfumer with an insatiable fascination with the paranormal. Seattle, WA

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