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14 Anti-Valentine Gifts That Say What We’re All Thinking

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Does the approach of Valentine’s Day trigger uncomfortable memories, aggressive feelings, or general anxiety? Then you should totally treat yo’self to these anti-valentine gifts that will send the message that you are not going to be complicit in all that touchy-feely, lovey-dovey nonsense.

Financial Burden Card

You Bring Darkness and Financial burden to my life valentine day card by etsy user LIKKS

Image via LIKKS

A card that’s perfect for that co-worker that steals lunches from the breakroom fridge. Or for your kids. No judgement here. LIKKS//$4.04

Please Pass the Ketchup Card

I'm ravenous for your love, please pass the ketchup valentine's day card by Ginger Dead

Image via Ginger Dead

Because it’s rude to offer someone your heart if you don’t include a condiment to compliment its flavor. Ginger Dead//$11.75 (5-pack)

Zero Likes Enamel Pin

Remember those Valentine’s cards you’d pass out in elementary school? Those were basically the analog precursor to the like button on social media. Memento Mori Goods//$11

Dagger to My Heart Enamel Pin

Dagger to My Heart Enamel Pin by Baublesaurus

Image via Baublesaurus

Sorry, Buffy. Black hearts can only be killed with wooden stakes. But thanks for the shiny dagger. Baublesaurus//$12

Toxic Love Top

Oxytocin? More like oxy-toxins, amirite? Vintage Fly Clothing Co.//$27.95+

Not Your Valentine Sleep Shirt

Not Your Valentine Sleep Shirt by Torrid

Image via Torrid

Make an awkward holiday a little more comfortable by wearing this sleep shirt that can totally double as a day shirt.Torrid//$32.90

Roses Are Red Tee

Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue I Like Bands more than I like you by Aesop Originals

Image via Aesop Originals

Trying to be polite? Send the message with tried-and-true poetry. Aesop Originals//$21.98

Dipped in Folly Shirt

And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy edgar allen poe shirt by Slinky-Reebs

Image via Slinky-Reebs

Prefer actual poetry? Our man E.A. Poe never misses a beat of the heart, even if it’s under the floorboards. Slinky-Reebs//$26.04

Love You Not Tee

Love you not t-shirt by Valfré

Image via Valfré

In case there was ever any doubt in someone’s mind, this will confirm their suspicions. Valfré//$42

Creepy Love Sweater

Go Away candy heart with bow and bats sweater by Pretty Attitude

Image via Pretty Attitude

If people still aren’t getting the message that you and Valentine’s Day are oil and water, then spell it out for them with this cozy sweater. Pretty Attitude Black Label//$46.90

I Am Not a Half Print

I am not searching for my other half because I am not a half art print poster postcard by Elevate & Fly

Image via Elevate & Fly

Available in sizes from 5″ x 7″ to 24″ x 30″, this print will do the protesting for you no matter where you pin it. Elevate & Fly//$10+

Feels in the Machine Plush

Heartbroken robot plush stuffed animal by Ginny Penny

Image via Ginny Penny

This sad little broken-hearted robot needs a friend as much as anyone else. Give him a home and the two of you can be angsty together this Valentine’s Day. Ginny Penny//$50

Opheliac by Emilie Autumn

Opheliac music album cd mp3 by emilie autumn

Image via Asylum Emporium

Sometimes you just need to scream in a demonic voice to feel better. Find catharsis by belting along with this oldie “violindustrial” album about heartbreak and betrayal. Ayslum Emporium//$12.99 (mp3)

Under Your Spell by The Birthday Massacre

If you’re looking for music that’s more on the soothing side, try the melancholic machinations of The Birthday Massacre. Under Your Spell will take you on a ride through heartache and remorse that you won’t regret. Metropolis Records//$8.90+

Featured image via (L-R) Ginny Penny, Memento Mori Goods, and LIKKS.

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About The Author

Web devver, graphic designer, and social media manager by day; DIYer, window shopper, and writing-dabbler by night. But I'd trade that glamorous lifestyle in a heartbeat to ride dragons and raise orphan kittens.

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